Time To Set Sail

June 13, 2020

Sitting here in the quiet for he has been gone since May 28th. Reflecting on the past, I realize I get to be the true reflection of who I am from here on out. I will no longer be who I was with him. I no longer need to wear that mask. The mask of a wife who was always worried about putting him first or there would be consequences to suffer. I have lived 20 years with three separate identities. The authentic me that I keep hidden, in fear that he would not like who she was. The me I showed the world, and the me I created just for him. It’s was so  draining to keep up this act. Trying to protect everyone from his unpredictable tendencies. Allowing myself to be the buffer between him and everyone else. Always trying to keep the peace. I just accepted this was how life was. Now I realize it created a monster of pain, fear, and hate. A pain that would force me to withdraw and hide from the world. I had to, to regain my strength and composure to be able to come back as if all is well. I did not see, at the time, I was giving all of my energy to an emotional vampire. He would use my own insecurities againt me, but I allowed it, for the sake of his love and security.  After 20 years of loyal devotion I have neither from him. I never really did. It was all fabricated in my own head. We all do what we must to survive. I see this so clearly now. I gave him more than I gave myself. When I no longer had anything left he quickly replaced it with many things. I gave to him freely and unconditionally. The only other person who ever gave that to him was his mother and she is no longer with us. I believe when she past 3 years ago he realized he had one less person to keep him on a pedestal. He was running out of fans. Which in turn made my job as his wife even more challenging. Just something else he could add to his already fucked up list of inadequacies to impose on the people he pretended to love in order to gain what he felt he was entitled to. His own selfish desires to be the only one who deserved to be treated as he saw fit. I know now his mother was the one who taught him these survival mechanisms. She gave him eveything he wanted without question, which created his entitlement issues. Hell, she would have even gone to prison for the crimes he committed, just so he would not look bad to the world. This created his above the law/untouchable perceptions of himself. He never saw her actions as acts of unconditional love. He felt he deserved this treatment from everyone and he would even say he deserved it. He just recently said that he deserved the money his father was sending after everything his father has done to him. See after his mother’s death he knew I was not going to lay down my life for him anymore than I had always done. This is when the real devaluing and discard of me began. I felt it happening. He knew eventually he would have to find a better supply for his desires. He always loved shiny new objects. I hope he is finally happy and his life filled with everything he could have ever wished for. The hardest part for me is getting past the 20 years of conditioning and comfortability of being with someone, not the love. Because all of that love I poured into him is now mine to share with the ones who have always have returned it. The best part is, there is enough love for me this time around. Now I will look inside find her and tell her how sorry I am for neglecting her all these years. I will cut the chain to the anchor that ties her down. For she needs me more now than ever before.

Free To Be

I am free to be the me

The me that longs to be

Not the me you see

Standing in this reality

Free to be the conscious me

This one needs not be seen

The me that was created

The one that’s not asleep

The me that flows so freely

In the universal tide

The me that shines so brightly

Not the one who runs and hides

Wake up and see the real me

It’s all inside you to

This world is your creation

Forget eveything you thought you knew

Shed this third dimension

The ego has you fooled

You have the power of accenstion

Why continue to be ruled

Ruled by the sinister forces

Of past conditioning

Desensitized by lies to believe almost anything

See through the lies

Look deep inside

Find your most sacred being

Embrace it for it needs you most

Your unconditional freeing

The one that you were meant to be

Not this flesh coated being

Then peace will overwhelm you

When you truly see

When we remove the you’s and I’s

From our vocabulary

The whole world shifts

The stars then align

It’s how it’s meant to be

Love is our ultimate gift

So we are free to be….

–Lisa Andrews

Double Standard

June 3, 2020

After not responding to his text on Monday he text me again today.

I responded with we can talk over phone or face to face. So he called from work on his lunch break. What started off civil immediately turned into him screaming at me telling me to shut the fuck up and stop talking when I suggested a couple of new ideas for a vehicle. However, earlier today he sent me a link to a Jeep and said, trade the truck in on it, for me. But when I saw how much it was I was so confused. It was way out of our price range. He must be drunk at work.  One of my idea’s was to take half of savings and get me a cheap way to go when I get to TX since his father was supposedly sending him a chunk of money to get me out of his house.  He could keep the car and truck. Sell one or both if he desired and possibly get something he wanted. He screamed, you are not taking any of my money you fucking bitch. So I calmly presented the next idea. I suggested to take out a small personal loan he screamed that one away as well. So, I now know I will be without a vehicle. I just started crying and stopped talking. He then proceeded to tell me he has already talked to the Judge about our divorce. He really is above the law. WTF?  Wouldn’t that be a conflict of interest? My angry, hurt, and defeated ego reminded him that I could enforce the preliminary injunction for his verbal threats, the fact that he sold the camper off the truck, and has hidden assets. I asked him, “How does it make you feel knowing what you have done and I have not even attempted to press charges against you?” Never ever threaten a lying, cheating, alcoholic narcissist.  After I said that, it all went down hill from there. He then went back to his repeated threat of getting half, all 3 dogs and I would be liable for half the debt. He also stated the judge would never give me the dogs because I have no job. He screamed that I was fooling myself thinking I will get anything let alone a car. I stopped saying anything while he was on his screaming rampage as I was invisioning him sitting in his truck at work making a fool of his highly professional self. He just kept yelling the same things over and over. He was reneging on everything he had offered in return for my leaving before the divorce is final. He then hung up. I called him back and left a message saying, since you have changed everything once again I could be here for the next 6 months or longer waiting for a trial since the Divorce will be contested now. He did not respond.

Then I sent these messages out of fear of dragging this out any longer and taking the chance of not getting the dogs. I would leave everything behind just to keep them.

After all of that I had the Decree updated with no car. I have given up on fighting him for anything but the dogs. They mean everything to me and if that is all I leave here with then that is all that matters.  I text him to let him know the Decree had been updated.

He takes off work a lot and had just told me he was going to take the whole day off to sign the Decree in Tucson.  Then he acts like its my fault his check will be short. All of his checks have been short since March. But I am sure that’s all my fault too. After our phone call he called her. I am sure at this point she must not only be his lover but his lawyer as well. I hope she is proud to be with such a wonderful man. The grief it brings just thinking of them overwhelms me. I am so tired…

When Lies Become Their Truth

June 2, 2020

On May 26 I noticed there was no camper shell on the truck when he came home. I asked where it was.  He said he let a guy borrow it. He said the guys wife just had a baby and he needed the camper to move their belongings from AZ to his wife and new baby in New York. A asked him about it again after some time and he said the guys wife had a baby and she is in Washington the guy who he cannot name needed it to move there stuff to Washington. He can’t seem to get his story straight. I asked since it is borrowed when will he be returning the camper and he said he did not know. I reminded him that since I am taking the truck with me that I would need the camper for the dogs. He said well I don’t know what to tell you. I know he sold it. He was gone for days and not once did he use any money from the bank account. He was also expecting a lump sum of money from his father. He is contempt again of the Preliminary Injunction. I informed him of this and stated that in order to sell any community property we would have to agree in writing before he sold anything. He continued to fumble his words/excuses and told me to shut the fuck up and I did.

He has been gone since last Thursday May 28th. He did however show up to sign the Letter of Agreement on Friday. That was a horrible experience. He did not like having to stand outside waiting for them to come to us because of covid. So he started staring in all the Windows yelling, I don’t have time for this. Minutes go by and still no one comes out. He started jerking on the door handles to the bank aggresivly. I was about to have a panic attack. He is now threatening to call them on the phone and tell them to address his needs. He had just gotten off work and it was obvious he had not had his liquid courage yet. He had absolutely no patience. A lady finally came out and took our licenses and paperwork. In the meantime I tried to distract him from acting a fool while waiting for her return.  I asked if he had talked to the guy who “borrowed” the camper, he then literally exploded. Every word that came out of his mouth he screamed. He replied that guy was gone and said and that I can’t have the truck because it needs a timing belt and that they cost $2000 to fix. He said that I could not afford the tires for the truck so he was going to sell it for payoff and I would get nothing. I aksed, are you threatening me? He started mocking me like a child and proceeded to leave saying he was not going to sign the stupid agreement. I said, well the notary has your license. So he yelled, when she comes back I am getting my licence and leaving. I remained calm but visibly shaken. I was terrified, fighting crying, and embarrassed. She returned and we both signed as if all was well. It’s funny how he would act composed when she came out. But as soon as she would go back into the bank he would become belligerent. As we were leaving I said I had a couple of questions  which he did not answer and he left like a scene from Dukes of Hazard. He pulled out into oncoming traffic like he owned the road. I got in the car, cried, and gathered myself before I left.

On Friday May 29 a little after 1 am I get a notification on my phone and see a withdraw for $112 at a place called Arena Bar. I looked it up and it is a bar here in Benson. I thought that was strange and could not go to sleep, so I did my own little investigation. Come to find out his girlfriend and her band had played there that night. He also withdrew $100 before and after his bar tab. He is having a good ole time. He is not even trying to hide it anymore, I mean, what is there to hide?

On To The Next

May 26, 2020

He came home today we discussed the letter of agreement and he refused to sign because it’s a legally-binding document. He knew this from the start. I told him none of the legalities matter if he does everything he said he would do. He eventually agreed to sign it on Friday at the bank with a notary. Then we talked about how to add my name to title of the car that he said he bought me in January. This is the car he bought to save on gas going to and from work. The car that he started decking out with details. Then in February when he asked for the divorce he said, “Why do you think I bought the car? I bought it for you to get the fuck out.” I said,  “if you bought this car for me then why did you put money into accessorizing it?” He had no answer.

He called USAA to refinance and add my name to the title which raised the payments, and that was not going to work. So we agreed for him to sell his truck, he keeps the car and he would give me what is left over after he pays the truck loan off.  So I can get something for less than $3000 when I get to TX. If he cannot sell the truck before I leave we agreed I will take the truck. That title is in both our names. It was a fairly civil discussion but he always changes his tune when he comes back after spending time with you know who. So we shall see how all of this transpires. I leave 4 weeks from this Friday. This morning I get a call from T Mobile requesting a change to the account. I was so confused. The representative said he wants to add a new line to our account so I can’t see his phone logs. Lol… I told him this afternoon that just because I can see who he is calling doesn’t mean I am going to call them, they can have him. Betrayal is where I draw my line. I see the kind of woman he discarded me for. She has absolutely no idea who he really is. His act will not last long.  None of this matters, we are no longer tied together in any way.  I told him the only reason I looked at the phone logs was to confirm what I already new. He once again denied there being other women. I told him I no longer cared either way. I found the truth right under my nose. The truth will continue to come to light without him having to say the words as he continues to build his harem garage with other women from AZ to MS.  His actions speak volumes and she likes to post pictures confirming his actions. None of this will aid in my healing but it sure as hell helps me move on.

Deliberately Untruthful

May 25, 2020

He came home Friday afternoon after a night away.  He took his tequila shots and beer. He came outside to tell me he was going to get all his guns and go to the range with a couple of guy friends from work. I said does that mean you are going to spend alot of money? He said no and promised he was not going to spend any money this 3 day weekend. He has spent $350 since Thursday and it’s Monday morning. Now that he’s home, for some reason, he cannot produce any receipts, for the money he spent. You see, we have an agreement to produce receipts anytime we spend money, per his request. All of my grocery receipts are in a basket on the kitchen counter for him to check.  I aksed him why he spent so much money on Thursday. He said he had to buy groceries for the guy he had stayed with, for two days, three weeks ago. Lol,  I know he was with her this weekend.  I told him I already knew where he was and that I did not care.  He absolutely insisted he talks to no females and his usual, “what woman in her right mind would want to get with me.” I laughed and he walked away. Before he left he walked inside to tell me he has never cheated on me and would not until I am gone.  He has such a kind way with words… He kept telling me he talks to no women, not even at work. He cant tell me because he would be admitting to infidelity and look like the shitbag he really is. He then got in his truck denying her still and left. Later on that evening I checked the phone logs and saw where as soon as he left he called T Mobile and talked for 6 mins. Lol he obviously wanted to know how I knew that he talks to her and other women all the time. After the phone call to T Mobile  he called her, go figure. Now he knows for sure his lies have been exposed. Funny thing is, there are no calls or texts between him and her this weekend. Duh, because he was with her.

Over the weekend I created a letter of agreement for he and I. The agreement is is solely for him to keep his word on what we have agreed upon regarding my leaving before the divorce is finalized.  He said on Friday he would sign the written agreement and even have it notarized.  He said he was not lying about how we were going handle my move to TX. He would drive the Penske truck and I would drive the car with all the dogs. I am worried about how everything is going to go down, since the Penske Truck has already been reserved. For I know his promises are fake, as they have been for 20 years. It’s all a game of torture to him. I am done being constantly confused with the why’s, what’s, when’s, and where’s. He disappears for a night or a week without explanation. Then he will drive 45 mins to come home and tell me what he will be doing. What the fuck? Is it quilt or a control tactic when he does this? I think, he thinks, if he tells half of the truth he does not feel guilt nor remorse when spewing his lies or doing what he is really doing. When I look at him you can literally see through his facade. And when I ask questions I can feel his nervousness when he lies. Just his body language is a dead give away. Knowing he called T mobile speaks volumes. He has to keep up with so many lies now.  Knowing this, I should be so content. I know my truth and have no secrets and nothing to deny. Sometimes I think I’m not doing so good but I guess in all actuality, considering the case, I am doing the best I can. I need to focus solely on myself and getting out of here.

Fuck him and what he is doing here or somewhere else with someone else. I should be glad I am here alone with my dogs. I am truly learning how hard it is to break old habits and not react to him. But it all starts and ends with just me now. Holding myself accountable for what I feel, think, and do. He really isn’t doing anything to me unless I allow him. He may think he is but he is not a part of me anymore.

This shit is a vicious cycle. Battling with someone when everything about him and what he does should mean absolutely nothing to me at this point. I should be grateful when he is away, instead, I stew in my own misery. I do not value myself as I should. I am angry that I don’t seem to have what it takes to face the truth. My days just go by waisted and unproductive in some fucked up way of denial. Consumed by irrelevant thoughts. I need to learn how to depend on me and only me. I will keep looking inward no matter how hard and dark it will be. I know in my soul it is the only way to get through my madness. For it is mine and mine alone. The sooner I integrate this the sooner I will heal. I also must realize nature never hurries and is in perfect balance. I need not rush my healing.  I need to find the balance and to stop tipping the scales of my life with unstable thoughts that turn into actions. I need to stop resisting what is and let go of the control I think I have.

P.S. She posted this pic after he came home from his trip to the shooting range and his weekend away.

Torment

I felt more alone with him than without him

How was my entire world about him

He was here now he’s gone

How did I do this for so long

Why could I not see it was all wrong

Love creates a bond

So does pain

With or without him I am not the same

Love creates hate as soon as it blooms

When our loved died all I had left were my wounds

Trying to cope when he has someone new

While he’s hanging out with his new crew

They build him up while tearing me down

He’s the life of the party when I’m not around

He thinks he is special

With his newfound fame

While I am learning to love myself

Through all of this pain

I don’t need drugs, or people, or fame

For my life is changing and he can live in vain.

— Lisa Andrews

May 25, 2020

Not Everyone Pays The Piper

Tuesday May 19 2020

He came home had his cocktails and left. He returned with a box of tacos. I said nothing while he was making his plate. There is so much negative energy being in the same vicinity with him. I become almost mortified due to an array of emotions all coming together at once. It is paralyzing at times.

As he was walking off I asked him if he had thought anymore about how long he will keep me on insurance so I can update the Divorce Decree. He said, “I will let you know when I decide what I am willing to do about that.” I said nothing in return and he went to the garage. Some time went by, he came back in and said, “I will keep you on my insurance for one year and if you dont have any after a year then I will keep you on it. I will not make you go without insurance.”  I said, thanks and he went back to the garage. He is mighty chipper and overly happy. His girl must be taking good care of him.

We should not have to discuss to much more before I leave. I still don’t believe a word he utters.

Flash Forward

It’s July and I just found out my insurance has been cancelled before the Divorce Decree is final, which is illegal according to the state of AZ . However, there is nothing anyone can do when you don’t have a lawyer and he has hidden all the assets.  I applied for legal aid but they base it off of his pay because we are still married. So I do not qualify for any type of help.

I called the insurance company and they suggested I call his employer’s HR department to find out what is going on. They even gave me the number to call. I called and was informed that he was terminated. She even sent me an email verifying that information for my records. I called the Superior Court of Cochise County to see how to enforce contempt of the Preliminary Injunction now that I have no insurance. Every person I spoke with had no idea how to enforce an Injunction that is set in place to protect us both pending the Divorce. I then was contacted by Southern Arizona Legal Aid about my situation and to explain my issue. The woman I spoke with cut me off, left me in tears and feeling like a child, as she proceeded to condescendingly tell me nothing could be done and to send her a copy of the Dissolution of Marriage. and Divorce Decree. I sent her both copies that instant and never heard from her again. I received an email in Sept. stating my application for SALA was rejected.

I have filed for legal aid twice since the Divorce was finalized in August and have been rejected both times with the explanation of a lack of resources. He is now in contempt of a court ordered Divorce Decree. However, he will get off Scott free once again. I am absolutely positive that he never had any intentions of keeping his word then or even now.

Here lately I have been receiving multiple emails from bill companies. He never put the bills in his name or used his email after the divorce. I am the only one who did the bills for 21 years.  Everyday I get insufficient funds alerts from the bank. Some bills have already started going into collections. Sometimes I tell myself not to worry about being left with absolutely nothing while he gets everything.  For it seems the Universe is taking care of that day by day, without my help. What we put out into the world comes back to us. Just remembering what happened just a few months ago takes me to a bad place. I am not sure if I am seeing the lesson here.  How do I take accountability and truly release this grief when I still want him to suffer the consequences for what he has done? We are not always justified or vindicated. I have to learn how to trust the process of letting go. I need to make space for forgiveness. I can’t seem to find the balance. I will not force myself into healing until I have learned what I need to learn. I never want to find myself in this place again.

Am I Being Deceived or Am I Deceiving Myself

May 18, 2020

I asked him today about the protective order he had against me and when should I expect to be served. He responded with, “sometime this week.” I then proceeded to try and use reverse psychology to find out if this was true or not. I told him I would sign the Acceptance of Service of his Dissolution of Marriage since I was not going to be served anytime soon. Due to the virus lockdown the Police Department was not serving anyone.  I stated I would only do it under one condition, that he drop the Protective Order against me. As soon as I said that his whole attitude changed knowing it was one step closer to me getting the fuck out of his life. You could feel his excitement. So we walked to the garage together so he could call whomever he needed, to have the order dropped. You could tell he was very hesitant to call and fumbled with his phone. He had a hard time trying to locate the correct number to call.  He made the call but no one answered. Hmm?  He told me they were closed on certain days. I expressed once again my terms and he said he would definitely find out if he could have the charges dropped and would let me know as soon as he found out. 

Shortly after our conversation his AM liquid courage, beer and tequila shots, kicked in right before he left for work. He approached and informed me that he thinks the Protective Order was never filed and that he would let me know later today. Huh??? In my head the light bulb exploded, I thought to myself,  “But wait, I was about to be served the PO this week, he just said.” At this very moment I am beyond disillusioned.

As soon as he left I got on the phone with the police department searching for the truth. The lady I spoke with checked in every system and reassured me there was no such order against me.  She also stated that he may have attempted to fill out an application online but never submitted it. For once the application of protection is submitted the applicant has to go before a Judge. None of this happened, for it would be documented. She also shared that this is a story she has heard time and time again when it comes to divorce. It was all just his attempt to scare the fuck out of me, hold something over my head, and keep me living in fear. Well that shit worked. Even knowing that it is all a lie I am still so nervous. Soon after he left he text me “his version” of the truth.

I did not inform him I already knew it was all a lie. I can’t believe how naive I am at 49 years old. I am so angry with myself for allowing someone to have this type of control over me. It’s absolute fear mongering.
He came home from work and was pleasantly civil. I signed the Acceptance of Service papers and he said, thank you. In my head I laughed at his graciousness. He also said he would file them first thing tomorrow. I am so happy for him.

P.S. The Dissolution of Marriage no longer matters. It is null and void because I have filed my own Divorce Decree since things with him are constantly changing. It was my only option to make sure any changes would be documented.
When he found out I filed the Divorce Decree he was not happy. I told him that I was not contesting the Divorce in any way and that it was the only way to make changes that we both agree upon regarding the Divorce. This was his reaction to finding out, before we discussed it in person at home, and I did not hire a lawyer. I went though a paralegal filing company. 

WTF? His last message? You can actually feel his entitlement to control me and make me out to be the reason he will suffer. I will always be the blame for all his problems. He is definitely grasping at straws at this point.

This whole time during the lockdown he has gone against all the precautions set in place to prevent the spread of the virus. He even violates his employers policy of not traveling over 30 miles from work. This is due to the fact his government job requires dealing with classrooms of soldiers. Yet he has no regard for anyone other than himself.  But he somehow has some type of authoritative audacity to put a restraint on me and what I can and can’t do with my life?

I don’t think he understands, when I leave I am never coming back.

I know this is all blame, I am still in the process of learning how to acknowledge my ego, triggers, and lack.  But I am also learning the ways of a true narcissist, which could be valuable in my healing.

I have nothing positive or spiritual to add. I am so caught up in my own dysfunctional ego that I don’t even care about my healing at this point. I now commence shut down mode.

Every Step Is A Landmine

Part 3

May 17, 2020

After all the craziness today Madison asked me if I wanted to know about another message he sent her 3 weeks ago. She did not know how to tell me. She was going to wait till I got there to show me. I was like, tell me now because I dont want to bring any of this mess to your house when I get there. I want to leave it all behind here and never look back.

This message is one of the most fabricated lies he has told yet. It sickens me to my core. One day he came home and I heard him talking his girlfriend on speaker phone in the bathroom. When he came out I confronted him with my pain of having to listen to them. He continued to deny her, eventhough it’s the truth. I was in the kitchen paying bills, laughed and said, you are even lying to yourself, how sad. Little did I know she was still on the phone, until he looked at his phone and text her. I said, must be weird for her to know all about me but you will not publicly acknowledge her to me. He hangs up on her at this point. Bet that makes her feel special. I said, but it’s ok I have someone else to. You could see hell in his eyes. He looked at me angrily and yelled, who is he?  I said, someone who will love me the way I need to be loved. He yelled, well he better not be in my fucking house. I laughed and said I can do whatever I want, when I want, which is his favorite mantra. I can’t seem to stop the pain from coming out of my mouth. I still can’t resist not wanting to react to him. As he was storming off I said loudly, It’s me, I am having an affair with myself.  No one will ever love me like me. I also stated, why would I enter a relationship with someone when I am moving 800 miles away.

He used this conversation to fabricate that lie. I never told him to leave. I asked him why he was here at the house when he could be with his girlfriend at hers. Oh and, the soaked pair of panties, omg. I can’t believe he is saying this to his daughter.  I was washing clothes and saw a hole in them. So I took them out of the washing machine and threw them in the trash soaking wet. I did not conceal them in any way. Why did he not confront me about them when he found them?  I did not hide them. So now I know he was attempting to secure her as one of his flying monkey’s before today. At this point I am short of duck taping my mouth shut around him. It’s not easy going no contact when you live in the same house. It’s not easy hearing his new love console him on speaker phone in the next room. It’s not easy living with someone so unstable you lock yourself in your room with all your animals and push a dresser in front of the door, daily. I am absolutely sure it’s not easy for him having to wait until I leave so he can bring her here.

I feel like I have taken 100 steps back.  I have to learn how to process all of this or I will surely fail myself.

When the ego meets up with the painbody they become a indestructible force of nature. They will throw you into a dimension unknown. Where they will proceed to control you for their sole purpose of survival. If you are conscious enough to see this happening there is hope for recovery. I am hopeful.