June 13, 2020
Sitting here in the quiet for he has been gone since May 28th. Reflecting on the past, I realize I get to be the true reflection of who I am from here on out. I will no longer be who I was with him. I no longer need to wear that mask. The mask of a wife who was always worried about putting him first or there would be consequences to suffer. I have lived 20 years with three separate identities. The authentic me that I keep hidden, in fear that he would not like who she was. The me I showed the world, and the me I created just for him. It’s was so draining to keep up this act. Trying to protect everyone from his unpredictable tendencies. Allowing myself to be the buffer between him and everyone else. Always trying to keep the peace. I just accepted this was how life was. Now I realize it created a monster of pain, fear, and hate. A pain that would force me to withdraw and hide from the world. I had to, to regain my strength and composure to be able to come back as if all is well. I did not see, at the time, I was giving all of my energy to an emotional vampire. He would use my own insecurities againt me, but I allowed it, for the sake of his love and security. After 20 years of loyal devotion I have neither from him. I never really did. It was all fabricated in my own head. We all do what we must to survive. I see this so clearly now. I gave him more than I gave myself. When I no longer had anything left he quickly replaced it with many things. I gave to him freely and unconditionally. The only other person who ever gave that to him was his mother and she is no longer with us. I believe when she past 3 years ago he realized he had one less person to keep him on a pedestal. He was running out of fans. Which in turn made my job as his wife even more challenging. Just something else he could add to his already fucked up list of inadequacies to impose on the people he pretended to love in order to gain what he felt he was entitled to. His own selfish desires to be the only one who deserved to be treated as he saw fit. I know now his mother was the one who taught him these survival mechanisms. She gave him eveything he wanted without question, which created his entitlement issues. Hell, she would have even gone to prison for the crimes he committed, just so he would not look bad to the world. This created his above the law/untouchable perceptions of himself. He never saw her actions as acts of unconditional love. He felt he deserved this treatment from everyone and he would even say he deserved it. He just recently said that he deserved the money his father was sending after everything his father has done to him. See after his mother’s death he knew I was not going to lay down my life for him anymore than I had always done. This is when the real devaluing and discard of me began. I felt it happening. He knew eventually he would have to find a better supply for his desires. He always loved shiny new objects. I hope he is finally happy and his life filled with everything he could have ever wished for. The hardest part for me is getting past the 20 years of conditioning and comfortability of being with someone, not the love. Because all of that love I poured into him is now mine to share with the ones who have always have returned it. The best part is, there is enough love for me this time around. Now I will look inside find her and tell her how sorry I am for neglecting her all these years. I will cut the chain to the anchor that ties her down. For she needs me more now than ever before.